If Men Were Metal Genres, This Is What They Would Be Like

If you didn’t already know, renowned metal news site MetalSucks posted this incel-tastic piece on “if women were metal genres” – that gets you more worried about the author every time you read it – the other day. After reading, and attempting not to unpack too much of this very interesting and informative article, we decided to come up with a men-by-music-genre guide for everyone who’s interested in CIS men. Any complaints about sexism against men should be addressed to our contact email: yeet_yourself_intothesea@gmail.com

Enjoy! And good luck out there in the metalhead dating world. Seriously, you’re gonna fucking need it if you’re gonna be going on dates with the kind of person who wrote aforementioned MetalSucks article.

Slam Death Metal

Your mother always told you not to bring home a bad boy, but this guy is bad in more ways than one. Owns exactly two pairs of cargo shorts, changed on a weekly rotation, he wears a bumbag to every single show despite not smoking weed or having any real reason to own one, and thinks Gorilla Biscuits is a vegan restaurant. This guy’s been in the same deathcore band (sorry, slam death metal band) for ten years and socialised with zero people outside of his band in that time. He knows how to handle himself in any situation – whether he’s crowdkilling in the pit at a death metal show to the amusement of literally no-one, or standing outside a music venue making casually sexist jokes with his bandmates in his fresh Venom Prison tee. One thing: don’t look over his shoulder at his band’s WhatsApp group. It’s just banter guys, bro code!  


Black Metal

This guy falls well beneath the cracks because he’s so fucking skinny! Weightlifting, what’s that? Remember the edgelord in philosophy class who always played devil’s advocate and lost? This is him now, except his mum’s let him have a Twitter account now that he’s 27. If you ever get the chance to sit down and talk to this guy about which Burzum album is better, you’ll be lucky, because this guy has no social skills in real life. If you like your hypocrisy, this guy gets outraged at anyone calling out Islamophobia in the black metal scene on the basis that black metal is about being against all religion, whilst being perfectly cool with Christianity because Christianity isn’t as bad as Islam guys! One to take home to your racist dad.


Prog Metal

This guy is the thinking metalhead’s bit of crumpet, ‘cus you’ll be constantly re-thinking your life choices whilst dating him. Constantly attacks anyone who brings up the Maynard Keenan accusations – crying “WHERE’S THE EVIDENCE THAT ANY OF THIS HAPPENED” whenever someone mentions they’re not too hot on Tool now for this reason. Was never able to grow facial hair, and for the most part, still isn’t, but that hasn’t stopped him not shaving for six months in an attempt to grow the nastiest beard known to mankind. Catch him quick, he still thinks Dream Theater’s Metropolis is THE best album of all time and has aggressively denied himself the chance of losing his virginity more than once because of this opinion. To boot, this guy gets his current affairs knowledge from The Joe Rogan show, so you know he’s clued up!


Crust Punk

Are you somebody who misses the good old days? You know, before mobile phones and social media and mass immigration? If so, you’ll absolutely love this guy. His disdain for middle-class people – presented as a form of working-class punk rebellion – actually originates from when he beefed the local grammar school povvos over a private school rugby match (did you SEE the state of that tackle Henry – what a rotter!). This guy was that kooky art student in your uni flat who was pretty good at drawing, but always asked if he could draw you nude, and embedded not-so-subtle phallic imagery into every single piece of art he did in the name of punk rebellion or something – pretty creative! This guy shares a lot of values with his idol Johnny Rotten, and will show you a thing or two about class warfare whilst strutting around in a leather jacket he spent £500 on in a thrift store on Camden High Street.


Harsh Noise

Remember that guy you worked with for three years who didn’t say a THING to anyone – apart from that one time all those weird bald dudes met him after his shift that one time – but apparently was really deep and ended up in like, Nepal or something, for a few years after he finished? Harsh noise is his game, and white supremacy is his troubling undercurrent. Sunwheels and far-right mysticism, and shows attended by ten people, with some guy with a bag over his head, banging a bit of metal with a fork are this guy’s deal. Just don’t ask whether that fella on the other side of the room was doing a nazi salute during that set, it’s all about symbolism, the swastika’s actually an ancient Hindu symbol you know. The best relationships are the ones in which dubious imagery isn’t discussed.

P.S: For a far more coherent, and serious rebuke regarding the hypocrisy surrounding MetalSucks’ post, please head over to this article from Drunk In A Graveyard, it addresses the real-life issues surrounding this controversy much better than we have here.

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