Black metal is a form of music a lot of people take seriously. Like, really damn seriously. In fact, one could argue that black metal has a corpse painted stick so far up it’s corpse painted posterior that it’s kissing the back of its corpse painted teeth. Comedy and black metal don’t often go hand in hand with the “true” amongst us. Another thing often absent from black metal is self-awareness.
Recently, US black metal act Teratism announced they were dropping off of Stygian Rites V as they did not want to play alongside Neckbeard Deathcamp. The band discussed this choice at length in a wordy Facebook rant that was approximately 98 billion words long. Not only did they not want to play at the same festival as someone who pokes fun at black metal, they chose to announce the withdrawal in the most bombastic fashion ever.
Fast forward a couple of weeks to the release of the film Lords Of Chaos, a loose retelling of the events of the early black metal scene in Norway including the arson of several churches, the suicide of vocalist Dead, and the murder of Euronymous by the hands of Varg Vikernes. Like any modern film, the facts are blended well with hearsay and “movie magic”. In other words, don’t take the events of the film as fact and approach it as what it is meant to be – a movie. Of course, not everyone has done this.
The link here is the aforementioned lack of self-awareness.
Teratism were unable to say “yeah we don’t want to play with NBDC” and instead used 98 billion words to build up the blackened hellspires and darkened armaments of the all hallowed name of black metal. They invoked pomp and bombast to an incredible spectacle which had a legion of trve black metal fans foaming at the mouth in solidarity. The pure and evil name of black metal could not be besmirched, they could not allow the incredible and invincible beast of black metal to be soiled.
Similarly, a number of “high profile” black metal musicians have railed against Lords Of Chaos – not just in content but in length.
Kanwulf of Nargaroth has penned his own 98 billion word Facebook post explaining in overdramatic detail that the film is “nothing but lies” and like the Teratism post, the words showcase someone who is deeply disconnected from self-awareness. The ever-dopey nazi-dweeb Varg himself has also made a number of gigantic sweeping comments about the film as well – but he admits he hasn’t even seen it. Whoops.
You can also find huge numbers of super serious try-hard black metal fans swarming around social media like flies around shit decrying the film, Teratism’s trueness, NBDC’s falseness, and the absolute state of them is so devoid of self-awareness you might as well try to squeeze it from a stone. These same people who claim that “Facebook is killing black metal” are using the medium as their own little soapboxes to explain away trueness to anyone who will listen. These are the same people who want their bands to record thirteen copies of a three-song EP, bury all copies in the woods, never play live, and break up six months later. These are the cartoon characters angry at NBDC and Lords Of Chaos.
And hey, be angry at whatever you want to be angry at, but stop being so extra about it. Don’t like NBDC? Don’t support them. Don’t wanna support Lords Of Chaos? Don’t support it. Want to support Teratism? Support them. Want to support Varg? DON’T DO IT. All I’m saying is that there is a reason why non-metalheads think we’re crazy – it’s because some of us take 98 billion words to say “this movie about men in face paint made me mad.”
Words: Richard Weeks (Blackened Death Records)